In honor of April 1, a loyal reader sent in the following news feed. Unfortunately, links to the full stories could not be located at press time.
• Obama announces 50% tax on all bonuses and compensation received by
Fortune 500 executives from the year 1998 – 2008. Entire federal debt is
erased at once.
• Planetary alignment causes gravity to lessen by 1/3.
• Yale purchases New Haven Green for the tidy sum of $1 million, announces plans to wall it off.
• Dumpster diver finds $50 million dollar bearer bond accidentally
discarded by Richard Levin’s office. Donates it to the cash strapped city
and receives extra large gold key from mayor.
• New Haven police follow lead of British police and ban firearms
from the force. Batons and whistles will be issued; tall hats are
optional.
• City enters negotiations to mount solar panels on Eli Apartment
fa√ßade and collect extraordinary reflections from “Gold Building.” Residents
praise move to block “death ray.” Historic preservationists up in arms.
• City announces penalty for bicyclists pedaling on sidewalks: Twenty
hours on stationary bike hooked to a generator, which will power city
computers.