Tips at the restaurant have been on the skimpy side. And the ex-ex- boyfriend is getting married. All of which gives the Independent’s schoolteacher- by-day, waitress- by-night diarist reason to ponder the meaning of “Thank You.”
Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005
Saturdays at the restaurant have been weird all summer. I’ve had a bunch of really good Saturdays (with regard to tips) and a bunch of really bad Saturdays. It’s kind of hit or miss. This past Saturday was no exception. It was a miss, and wow. Did I ever miss.
I have to say this: The standard 15 percent tip is not standard anymore. Standard is 18 – 20 percent. I know that sounds like a lot of money. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know we can all justify why we should not pay the 20 percent that most servers look forward to and appreciate receiving. But let me just say that it is a slap in my face when I get the “standard” 15 percent. Most nights at the restaurant, I’ll average around 20 percent for all of my tables combined. I might have an occasional 15-percent table each night, but on the whole I do pretty well.
Last night, though, I had an entire night of 15 percent. One table left me even less than 10 percent!! Even after they had quizzed me on the prime numbers, random historical facts, and had been shocked by my memory. This was a table who, when saying they just wanted to order a bunch of appetizers, asked me if I was going to write their order down. I told them I didn’t need to because we’re not allowed to write anything down. They asked, “How do you remember all of this stuff?” And I replied, “Because I’m good.”
And it’s true! All of us who work there are good.
When I get 15 percent, I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I want to approach the table and ask the diners if their service was okay, if they enjoyed the meal, if I had offended them in any way. Of course, I would never approach a table, only because the money customers give me is theirs, and I’m not about to criticize their generosity.
We like to justify the 15 percent at the restaurant by claiming, “Some people just don’t know how to tip. Some people just don’t know 15 percent isn’t standard. And some people will just never tip more than 15 percent no matter what.” But I’m afraid of the population of people who know that 15 percent isn’t standard and who just leave that much anyway because they don’t want to give any more. Every time I go out to dinner, or to lunch, or to breakfast for that matter, I leave 20 percent. Sometimes, depending on the occasion or if the server has done a spectacular job, I’ll leave more than 20 percent. All the servers I know leave at least 20 percent. All of my customers who tell me they’ve been servers in the past leave at least 20 percent.
I’m writing this out of frustration after having a really bad night, and as part of a public service announcement to anyone who goes out to eat. Please. 15 percent is over and done with. Across the nation 15 percent isn’t cool.
Phew.
Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
It’s 2:39 and all the kids are gone.
My fly has been open all afternoon.
It is so Monday.
An ex-ex-boyfriend of mine is about to get married. This weekend. When I found out about his engagement, I had a When Harry Met Sally moment — ”-when Meg Ryan finds out that her ex-boyfriend is getting married to his Rebound girlfriend. She freaks out, calls Billy Crystal and spends the night sobbing. “She was supposed to be his rebound! She wasn’t supposed to the The One!” (Later, Harry and Sally hook up and thus begins their relationship. This did not really happen in my case. Not that I ever expected us to get together again, ever, but it was nonetheless a shock to the system.)
What did happen in my case was this: I sent them a gift from their registry (a bamboo cutting board) and a gift card to a store where they’d registered and then sent them a nice, heartfelt card attached. That was two months ago. I have heard nothing in response. Not an e‑mail. Not a phone call. Nothing. Recently, I checked their registry website, and I saw that the item I purchased for them had been removed. Not just “fulfilled,” like all the other items purchased for them, but actually removed. Not even there. Did he (or she) remove it on purpose? Did he (or she) not want it anymore? Did either of them return it?
I’ve never been married, nor do I plan on it any time soon, so I also don’t know the etiquette: Do you send thank you notes after the wedding, and only after the wedding? What’s wrong with sending them early? Is it bad luck? (I just learned that according to Russian tradition, giving a knife as a wedding gift is bad luck. Is the cutting board bad luck by association?)
Listen. I don’t expect to sit at the head table, or even get an invite to the wedding. But I do desire some kind of thank you, or at the very least an acknowledgement of receipt of gift. Send me an e‑card for crying out loud. Not even. Tell someone to tell me thanks. Anything. There’s nothing I can’t stand more than not getting a thank you.
This is not just about my ex-ex-boyfriend, either. It’s about all people who don’t know enough to say Thank You. Hardly any of my students know to say “Thank You.” A few of my friends and relatives still haven’t thanked me or my parents for gifts, vacations, whatever, and it’s been years. But my customers at the restaurant say “Thank You” when I bring them a new fork. Show gratitude, please. It’s so important. There’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing embarrassing about saying “Thank You.” Just say it. It takes two seconds.
I react so strongly to no Thank You’s partly because my mom practically nailed the idea of gratitude to my forehead upon my leaving the womb. A regular part of my Christmas presents was a supply of Thank You cards I could use immediately to thank all out-of-town family members for sending me presents. Thanking people for going out of their way is just second nature to me. Am I alone?
This brings me back to the ex-ex. He’s not alone, and he won’t be for hopefully a long, long time. And that’s the best feeling in the world. So regardless of wedding etiquette, of the History, or of anything else that might stand in the way of a Thank You, I wish him and his soon-to-be wife the best. Honestly. Congratulations.